a word about karma

Being here so far has been like releasing soooo much past karma. I feel like I've just been shedding layers of skin, and being utterly exposed to the elements in my new baby self.
I am not the same person here as I am when I am home. I am openly scared, upset, depressed, tired, stressed, sick, and just trying to get rid of it all. Every once in a while, I'll look up to see that I'm surviving, that I'm here, that I can actually live in a place that I am so clearly not fit for-- it is some sort of weird test to see what is left of me when I'm through, because in the end, that is all I'll ever need to truly live as myself anywhere I go.

past entries:
aug 30
whatever my fantasy of India was--I'm over it. You see pictures of brightly colored saris, powders, smiling schoolchildren, breath-taking views of mountaintops and oceans and you think, "this is it-- the marrow of humanity." You hear of India as the spiritual land, the holy place, a mecca of sorts... you come here to find yourself and all you find is-- trash. Burning piles of trash. People peeing on the side of the street, cow dung baking into cakes. The people are dirty, inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, disrespectful, selfish.. they stare, they cheat, they yell, they lie. The weather is out to kill you. If it's not 110 F, then its monsooning.
And yet? I came here for a reason, didn't I? Every once in a while (very rarely) I find myself detoxing. It's like a sauna-- you go into the heat until you just about faint then you quickly wash with cold water. Through this constant hot and cold and stress to the body, it starts to release the toxic crap its been holding onto.

sept 2
what a curious country! I've been sick the past few days- fever and body aches. I've been spending my days miserably in bed, in pain, in thirst, and in hunger (I can't hold anything down).
And yet, it was today on the way to the doctor's office on the back of a two-wheeler that it struck me how vibrant the colors are here. How through the chaos, there is a method to it, a rhythm. I've only complained of the dust and dirt and disorganization-- but for a second today I saw something different.