can't sleep

home at last

that is, after:
saying goodbye to edinburgh on my bus to the airport at 10am, wednesday
hello amsterdam! bye amsterdam. we didn't even get to know each other a bit better over a beer.

i got into frankfurt that evening around 5:30. after dropping off my luggage in storage and having a frankfurter for dinner (hehe... this is how i keep myself entertained),

i scoped out a spot for sleeping. and i found the perfect one, really. and the airport got quiet at around 1am. and even quieter at 3am. but for the life of me, i could not sleep. no matter how tired i was, my mind was wired.

anyway, so uneventful as it was, FRA+EK 4EVR.
(i should really get a middle name, it would look better)

and now im here. finally. it feels so good, too.

to be honest, i dont much like it here, as a place, i mean. but i absolutely love being home, with my family, in a place of comfort.

halfway home

india, after some struggle, let me go.

thoughts upon reaching europe:
"TOILET PAPER!"
"SNOW!"

in Edinburgh for Christmas. it is absolutely beautiful here. the architecture is inviting, and the people are talkative

merry christmas, cant wait to see you

darshan

my ego is a wreck

on the road again soon. see [you]

amma is home

this place is a battleground.

its the hardest thing to be here. its the best thing ive done for myself in a long time

amritapuri

Woah.  This was not what I was expecting.

She's coming tomorrow...

purrrrrrrrr

found a kitten in cochin. she's purring on my lap.
i wonder if cats are allowed on trains?
hmmm...

en route

Waiting at the Delhi airport for my flight to Cochin. I can't believe that I'm on my own now. Touring with the group was absolutely incredible. I have too many stories to tell at the moment, but a quick list should do for now... I'll embellish them in person :)

-high tea in Darjeeling
-trekking in the himalayas
-sharing a round of warming rum around a fire with Sikkimese royalty
-sleeping on the floor of a train because i didnt get a confirmed ticket
-watching cremations and poojas along the ghats
-goats in t-shirts
-short-lived tryst in wild varanasi streets
-practicing flute on platform 1

Going to see Amma soon. Surreal.

sorry to be so short

I think I'm sad, but I can't really tell.

I've been feeling anxious lately. 

Change approaches fast-- I'm leaving Madurai soon to explore North India before making my way back down south for some time with Amma. 

I'm not exactly sure why I'm worried... I suppose it has something to do with leaving, but more so of what is to come in the next place. Am I trying too hard to find something? I don't even know what I'm looking for. I might as well give up searching and look around at what's here. 

Sorry for the recent lack in stories. I suppose what was so wild to me has become normal. Recent news I've neglected to tell:

- Ants infesting my room... I couldn't figure out why. 

- Getting hit by a (small) truck in traffic while on my cycle

- Enjoying the monsoon in my sari, which has yet to dry

- Finishing my final paper! (I still think it needs revisions, but I'll let it rest for now)

- Fady Amca calling me from Bangalore :)

- Ditching an autorickshaw in ridiculous traffic and walking all the way home

Each of these have their stories, but maybe I'll save them for later. 

If anyone wants to contact me, do it soon. I won't have my phone for travels, and internet use will be scarce. 

argh

damn it, why have i learned to appreciate vegetables?

i feel sick, in a way. ive only been eating carbs (rice, rice, rice), and fried stuff. and you know, "gravy", and god only knows whats in that.
i think im falling into a second wave of homesickness. but not of people. things. i want a sandwich. and some beer.
and NO MORE DAMNED HORNS honking day and night.
the stress of this week is getting to me. ive already eaten a jar of nutella. GROSS, i know.

procrastination

I think I'm starting to miss home.

Granted, I'm really happy to finally be writing up my findings, but I've been in this computer lab a bit too long.

It's not that I don't want to be here, I just want to be able to do certain things that I feel like I'm missing.

I want to work in Burling. I want to cook.. with fresh vegetables! and good meat! I want to play cello. I want to work out. I want to enjoy time with friends. I want to sit by an open window. I want to walk around without having to hold my breath, and enjoy greenery instead of dust and concrete.

After this week, I'm really excited to spend some free time with my host family-- Nisha and I have been getting along a lot better. She laughs at my jokes, mostly.
Then time really starts rolling, as we do presentations, say our goodbyes, and travel!
Ok, maybe I'm missing freedom more than anything.

holidays

Halloween weekend was great!
John threw a party, and the theme was "Dead Harry Potter Characters".... yesss.
I went as Bellatrix Lestrange. Teasing my hair made the whole look. Everyone's costumes were really creative... they kind of had to be because of limited resources/clothing options. Dobby, Dumbledore/Quirrell, Potter, Trelawny, and even a golden snitch!
There was butterbeer (that we had brewed ourselves!), polyjuice potion, and Merope Gaunt brought some love potions to share (ie: mystery drinks in covered bottles: lemon juice, tobasco, hazelnut white russian)-- "Sometimes love is sour, sometimes love is mildly intoxicating."
Nearly Headless Nick was there and started a cake fight, because thats all that Indian "cake" is good for. (it tastes like a brillo pad made from sugar).

This Friday is Diwali (deepavali).
I wore a sari today that I had gotten for the holiday...
HOW DO THESE WOMEN DO IT EVERY DAY? oh my goodness. It is sooo much fabric! 6 meters worth, actually! It is nice, but I feel like at any second its just all going to fall apart.
My host mom wouldn't let me cycle in it this morning. She drove me to school. I would have won SO many points on Tamil Trail... sigh.
My host dad took pictures of me this morning and said he would send them to Baba and say how they're marrying me off.... I told him, sure, if you want him to show up at your doorstep within 36 hours. hehehe.

Ok, back to work. I have to start writing my paper today... I don't exactly know where to start. Our rough drafts are due in one week, and the final due two days after that. GAH. wish me luck!

sms

here are some recent texts from my translator for your enjoyment:

"If u wait for happy moments, u will wait forever. But if u start believing that u r happy, u will be happy forever.-- wish u happiness forever.... goodmorning"

"You know what is the most beautiful part of our friendship....
[scroll 30 lines or so]
see the first letter of this msg..."

"I HATE THE WORD FRIEND AS IT HAS THE WORD. . . 'END' IN IT. I DON'T WANT AN END IN OUR RELATIONSHIP"


and those are just the really good ones.

eat

I miss food.

I mean, the food is here is good, but I get so tired of it. Rice, rice, rice. I mean, I suppose I eat the same food over and over again at home too but it's food that I'm used to, not Indian food. 

I miss bread. Ooo I closed my eyes last night and imagined being in a bakery and picking out the freshest loaf with just the right amount of crackling on top and warmth inside. And I never truly appreciated as I did then the genius of putting that bread in a paper bag... how perfectly the smell of paper and bread go together, and the crinkling of the paper just hints at what awaits... if you can bear not to tear a big chunk of it off before you get home... which I never managed to do. Dede and I would always eat at least a quarter of the loaf before even getting to breakfast. Hehehe, oh mischevious dede. 

blame the zeester

I was so convinced that the universe did not want me to do this research. My translator never showed up (twice), the auto driver who knows the way to the obscure village I need to get to has turned off his phone, and the recording action on this teensy machine broke-- not to mention the previous failures I've had with interviews. I almost cried because of the damned voice recorder. 

Bill, the sweetheart he is, let me borrow his recorder for the day since I was going back to the village that day in hopes of interviewing the old bare-breasted grandma in her palm-thatched hut. She wasn't there, so I interviewed Vasi instead, and as it turns out, she didn't want to be recorded. 

Life is funny. 

Time is passing so quickly! Every day is packed! I barely have time to think anymore, and I think I'm starting to have nightmares about finishing this project. What if there's nothing behind this whole tattooed women thing? What if I can't figure it out?! I was going to go to Pondicherry and check out the intentional community in Auroville this upcoming weekend but I don't think I have time! Maybe I'll go to Chennai a day before my flight out and check out Pondy then. 

OOO zeynep is online. talk to you later!

21

Yesterday was the day after Saraswati Puja (the last day of Navaratri), and it is said to be an auspicious day for new beginnings.

I began the day with prayer and a nice (cold) bucket shower and cycled over to SITA for my very first venu lesson. It went slowly, but eventually I got a note out! Then I spent a lazy afternoon at the apartment, reading, knitting, enjoying fried fish for lunch. At around 3:30, Aafreen insisted that I play with her on the roof. When I came back down, I was bounded with shouts of SURPRISE!
Nisha, my host mom, had called all of my friends over to have a party :) The cake was actually very good and the crazy butane flower candle nearly burned the place down... that may be a bit exaggerated.
I had a really nice time! I didn't expect it at all, especially because she had said that she couldn't do anything for my birthday because her family would be here. Sneaky!
We ended up going to the rooftop restaurant at the Hotel Metropole (it looks shwankier from the ground than up there).

It certainly felt auspicious.

Secrets

5:30am
Alarm caterwauls

5:40
I realize that the voice trying to get me back to sleep too easily has much power. I wake myself up in protest.

5:45
Cycling to yoga... Madurai is quiet before 6am. The dust has settled, and only a few people tread the streets. I felt like Madurai was telling me her greatest secret-- morningtime.

6:00
Arrive at Sivananda Vedanta Ashram. Slip off shoes and sneak in quietly to the back while they are performing the daily puja to Siva and the gurus. Receive prasad (cashew!)

6:01
Quickly realize that I am the only girl there today. I usually go in the evenings with a friend, and theres only 5 or so students plus the teacher. Apparently mornings are very popular, especially with middle aged men.

6:10
Morning meditation is not going so well. The mat I have chosen is apparently also a mosquito army base. I hope I didnt bother others with my itching and scratching and slapping away.

6:40
Stretching. Oh man. Those core workouts have made me so tight. Uh oh.

7:00
After about 15 rounds of sun salutations, we're getting into the more difficult postures. I can't seem to balance well enough to get into Shirshasana or Halasana. I give up and look around the class to see them ALL like candlesticks, perfectly balanced on their heads. The 50 year old man next to me is getting fancy now, making a V with his legs, then a diamond shape..... grumble grumble. Ow, my head.

7:30
I finally do one of the asanas correctly (Ardha Matsyendrasana), and my teacher comes by and says something along the lines of, "oh yes! a pose you can do!". He smiles, but I don't find it so amusing.

8:00
Sigh of relief. The biggest yoga fail is finally over. I think I'll treat myself to a dosa for breakfast.

8:30
Sri Saravana restaurant is bustling with men having their morning meal before work. I polish off my cup of coconut chutney that has accompanied the (extra)large restaurant-style dosa (the ones at home are usually small, like the size of a hard taco shell if it were flattened). I ask the waiter for more, and instead of going to the kitchen, he goes over to the next table where 4 men are lapping away their idly (the white spaceship-y ones) and vadai (spicy fried dough(nut...not)), grabs one of their idle cups for me. How sweet. You know that they had used it, and here that means with the only utensils available, their hands. I couldn't help but laugh at the situation. I was surprised, but went along. If anything, I've learned just that... ride the bus, go with the flow, accept and move on. A bus passing by just 2 inches from my handlebars? Meh. Coming home to a surprise roommate for three days? OK. Getting the wrong order at a restaurant? Yummy. No worries, I'll survive.

new friends

I made numerous non-human friends while on tour, including:
a rat in our compartment on the night train
kittens at the cafe
cockroaches in the hotel bathroom
and this adorable dog who sat quietly by and protected me while at the bangalore train station

waiting for the train back to madurai

mawkish me

It's one of those days...
I realize how utterly and helplessly human I am. I dont mean to make that word seem so crude, but in a way, it is. The past two weeks has been so.. social. That's a strange feeling for me.
In some ways, I greatly enjoy humanity, the visceral throbbing of life through my core. I'm so bound to this earth, these surroundings, adapting, acting, etc. I feel deeply those feelings that only humans are susceptible to-- love, compassion, mourning, nostalgia,.. Now is when I find that in order for me to find balance I must let go of some of these links and relationships.
I dont want to let go of my humanity. I want to feel. And yet, I need to be detached so that I can allow my self to move freely beyond this space.
I'm still searching for my bliss. I have an inkling of happiness within myself, but now I search for the instrument that will play truthfully how I interpret this world.

finals

I think that if the SITA staff were to have implanted a secret camera in the computer lab for finals week, I could have become an Indian reality tv show star. Put 6 college kids in a room for 2 days straight and tell them they have to have 20 pages written by the end of it... some ridiculous things were happening. I think we're all lucky that one of us didn't actually lose it. The computers here are comically slow. Yelling at the damned machine doesn't exactly help, but every once in a while, you'll hear someone's frustration and fruitless imploring.  Some got close, but those gofrets (yes, i found imported gofret here!), gummy bears, and 8pm dance breaks pulled us through. 

Now we're in here transcribing our first interviews. I realize now what a blubbering fool I sounded like. Oh well, next time will be better. 

We're leaving for Mysore tonight! 

first interviews!

I finally decided on a topic for my independent study project: tattooed village women
I dont know what I'm exactly trying to find out... yet. I'll figure it out soon enough

I had my first couple interviews today. One was rather spontaneous, but the other was more structured.

I get into an auto with my translator and we drive along and pick up Thangam's servant lady. She takes us to her village where a crowd forms around me with little children chirping, "hello! hello!"
They took me along the clay path to a hut made out of dried palm leaves where a bare-(saggy)breasted octogenarian lady in a sari was sitting upon a mat. They insisted I sit and she showed me her arms. They were so wrinkly that I couldn't make out the tattoos. Other women started walking up to me and showing me their arms, from which I could make out some Tamil script, a kollam, and moons. As my translator was talking to them, I looked around and realized-- this is why I want to be an anthropologist. I don't have a clue of what will come from this research, I don't know how I can contribute to this world in a socially responsible way, but if I have the amazing chance of taking a peek into people's lives that have a totally different paradigm than I do, this is a phenomenon that just may satisfy whatever craving I have for some kernel of Truth.

Or I may just be reeling from my VERY FIRST STEPS INTO FIELDWORK!

Yesterday's main events

Coffee/Tea stalls are a major social hub here. For men, mostly. Of course, I decided that I want to get some coffee anyway, even though not only would I stick out because of my foreign skin color, but also because I'm a female. Well, the coffee preparer was really very nice. I was almost surprised at his level of accommodation and the lack of stares from fellow caffeine-fiends (staring here is common, and smiles rare). Alas, my nudge about the social order was indicated to me otherwise. I felt a strange lump come into my mouth and spit it out to find... a dead fly. The coffee was actually pretty good (by Indian standards)... but next time I think I'll ask for veg. 

My host sister's "Maths Tuition Sir"'s (math tutor) cell phone ringtone is a Backstreet Boys song-- the one that goes, "show me the meaning... of beeeing looonelay"

Alriiight ;)

Mind you, these two events topped what would have been a main event of the day back home. I also made dinner for my host family yesterday, but that was rather anticlimactic. To be honest, I think they thought the food too bland. In my defense, I made a masala version of each of the items (ie: masala fries, masala tuna melt... yum?). 

Kerala: "God's Own Country"

The Kerala tour was absolutely refreshing. We stayed for a while in the Western Ghats, enjoyed the mountain air and hiked through the wilderness (leeches galore!). We then took a lazy ride through the backwaters on a houseboat (a great way to travel) up to Cochin. There we saw a bustling city life along the Arabian Sea: fishermen fishing, peddlers peddling, beggars begging. It was a much more modern city than Madurai, although I think population-wise it is smaller. It's a port city, though, so I suppose it makes sense.
We found a wine and tapas bar with legit wine from Karnataka... I had a Shiraz, and it wasn't too shabby. I also enjoyed tiger prawns in a saffron glaze and crab au gratin. Mmmmm, non-mushy, non-ricey food :)
I then wandered the streets with my nearly empty pockets and found a place called Teapot where I enjoyed a pot of earl grey with my knitting and Moby-Dick for the rest of the afternoon. I had just enough money to get back to the hotel via a 3 rupee ferry ride (along with some clever direction-asking) and buy some soup for dinner. Perfect!
I'll post some photos from the tour once I get a chance.

Traffic

Considering that I bike at least 10km a day, I figure its an important part of my life here in Madurai, and that the web-world might be interested to know a little bit about how I get everywhere around here. 

Traffic in Madurai is perhaps the most dangerous traffic I've seen. Besides Istanbul. No, probably worse than Istanbul.. I mean, granted, Istanbul has hills and streets that veer off into nowhere and there are probably only one or two intersections that come together at a 90 degree angle, Madurai is worse.

The streets, if you can call them that, are dusty, pot-holey messes that are thoroughfares for all sorts of vehicles. Let's start big: buses, filled with people, not only in their seats, but hanging off the sides... buses are probably the scariest... you do NOT want to go around one as its stopped because in a few seconds, it will inevitably be beeping at you as youre cycling your little legs off trying to get out of its way. Then there are cars-- oddly, the rarest sight on these streets are cars. They think theyre entitled because theyre bigger than you and give you a little jump because their horns are SO FREAKING LOUD but whatever. I have as much a right to the road as they do... damn rich people. Next are the little yellow autos! My personal favorite part of the me-lee, these little buggers are pretty nifty, and really nice to cyclers (like me!). Their horns are not too annoying, usually they resemble a clown horn, you know the one you squeeze.. 

The most popular form of transportation are what I'll call two-wheelers.. this includes motorcycles and scooties. They're everywhere and they carry more than you would think possible. My host-mom regularly carries me, her two daughters, herself, and whatever groceries we've bought on her bitty purple scooty. 

Then there are the real cycles.. the ones powered by man instead of machine. All sorts of cycles carrying all sorts of things: people, coconuts, water, etc. They're slow, they take up room, but they are a legit part of the traffic flow. 

Then there are the non-human creatures: dogs roam the streets and arent very well treated, but cows get so much respect in these streets. I almost ran into one and some lady started yelling at me. People stop and wait for them. They have a tendency to plop down in the middle of traffic and either take a nap or just watch the chaos around them with amusement. 

The first day was kind of hard: OH i forgot to mention-- sticking to their British colonial days, the flow of traffic is flipped- so stay left! Soon enough though, I found myself flowing with the traffic and zipping around Madurai.

sick

I think this fever has really gotten to me. I'm over the physical sickness of it, but now I'm all kinds of other sick. I've been homesick lately-- i miss the ease of living mostly. i miss my family and my friends. talking to them, adventuring with them.
i think i'm a little lovesick too. i miss the ideal self i become when im in love.
sighh

kerala cant come soon enough. (we're leaving for an "educational tour" to kerala this upcoming week)

some poetry i've been reading

"The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own, and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end."

Rabindrath Tagore, Gitanjali

a word about karma

Being here so far has been like releasing soooo much past karma. I feel like I've just been shedding layers of skin, and being utterly exposed to the elements in my new baby self.
I am not the same person here as I am when I am home. I am openly scared, upset, depressed, tired, stressed, sick, and just trying to get rid of it all. Every once in a while, I'll look up to see that I'm surviving, that I'm here, that I can actually live in a place that I am so clearly not fit for-- it is some sort of weird test to see what is left of me when I'm through, because in the end, that is all I'll ever need to truly live as myself anywhere I go.

past entries:
aug 30
whatever my fantasy of India was--I'm over it. You see pictures of brightly colored saris, powders, smiling schoolchildren, breath-taking views of mountaintops and oceans and you think, "this is it-- the marrow of humanity." You hear of India as the spiritual land, the holy place, a mecca of sorts... you come here to find yourself and all you find is-- trash. Burning piles of trash. People peeing on the side of the street, cow dung baking into cakes. The people are dirty, inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, disrespectful, selfish.. they stare, they cheat, they yell, they lie. The weather is out to kill you. If it's not 110 F, then its monsooning.
And yet? I came here for a reason, didn't I? Every once in a while (very rarely) I find myself detoxing. It's like a sauna-- you go into the heat until you just about faint then you quickly wash with cold water. Through this constant hot and cold and stress to the body, it starts to release the toxic crap its been holding onto.

sept 2
what a curious country! I've been sick the past few days- fever and body aches. I've been spending my days miserably in bed, in pain, in thirst, and in hunger (I can't hold anything down).
And yet, it was today on the way to the doctor's office on the back of a two-wheeler that it struck me how vibrant the colors are here. How through the chaos, there is a method to it, a rhythm. I've only complained of the dust and dirt and disorganization-- but for a second today I saw something different.

Krishna Jeyanthi

Happy Krishna Jeyanthi!

I was unlucky enough to get very sick last night. I didn't get ANY sleep. At SITA, I slept all day and missed the chance to go to a Krishna temple, missed my religion class about Krishna.. almost missed the puja, but they woke me up for that, and now the gang is going to Jain Hill and I'm missing that too.
sighhh. 102 fever. go away.

In other news, I had dreams about kittens.

Pictures!

I will be posting pictures haphazardly today. I have a yoga lesson to get to and don't have time for ramblings to accompany them. I may edit this later and add stories to go with them.

Big Temple at Thanjavur

This is the entrance to the Big Temple in Thanjavur. See the elephant to the left?

Admiring the stories of Parvati and Siva

Awkward group photo

 

 

Address, and some real postings

Send me some lovin'

Elif Karatas-- SITA Program
34-B H.A.K. Road, Chinnachokkikullam
Madurai 625 002
Tamil Nadu, India

Ok, so let's recap. I've just somewhat settled down in Madurai. Classes set. Whew. Here are some previous entries that never made it online:

Aug 10
    After travelling for 3 days, we are finnally in Thanjavur, where we will stay and have "orientation". Yesterday we were in Chennai for a few hours-- it made me sick and queasy. An amble about the neighborhood was shocking. Everything is broken. People are constantly on the move, but where are they rushing to? I didn't see anybody actually doing anything. Constant blares of horns, cries of children (SO MANY CHILREN), gossip of neighborhood women-- its no wonder meditation started here. It's the only way to get some peace and quiet.
But I could get over all that. What made me feel queasy was the smell. It is almost tangible in the heavy moist air but hardly maleable. I ran into it like a brick wall. There would be pockets of hope, like a waft of jasmine or sandalwood, but beware taking a second whiff in hopes to hold on to the pleasant notes in the air because the wind will have changed and suddenly find yourself surprised with the new variety of shit that your olfactory is processing.

Aug 12
    I was blessed by an elephant.

Aug 13
   We visited a sacred grove today. I was amazed by how this little patch of land had been left untouched. The gnarled tree was surrounded with offerings and little idols. A man with aged skin of leather greeted us and happily showed us the villages surrounding the grove. I just wanted to touch his feet-- the texture seemed so... grotesque and yet intriguing.

Aug 17
   We were given cycles by the STA center, and assured that in time, we would grow accustomed to the flow of traffic. Surprisingly, after a few near hits (by buses and rickshaws), I did in fact find myself comfortable cycling along.. I made it home in one piece to find a cow in the entrance-way. Confusing left and right as I usually do, I rang the bell (right hand) instead of hitting the brakes (left hand), and almost ran into the cow (as some of you may know, cows are considered sacred here). The cow just gave me a blank stare as if to say, "Who do you think you are?" and a lady on the street started yelling at me in Tamil as I scurried upstairs. Even though I don't know Tamil, I'm pretty sure I knew what she was saying.

Abu Cafe

I'm finally in Madurai with just a little while to update before I'm off to see my host family for the first time. The SITA center is really nice and I hope I can say the same for my family. I'm rather nervous. So far, everything has been so... engaging and demanding. Hopefully I'll feel more settled once the semester gets going.
Later, meditator.

Packing

After hours of deliberation, packing, unpacking, and repacking, I've managed to fit all of my belongings into one 48L backpack. Impressive, no? Saturday is soon approaching and I feel... nervous and a pang of sadness now and then. I think the renewed excitement will kick in once I've boarded the plane. Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Goodnight.